this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
