you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
