Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
