So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
