It's Friday. Sex?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
