I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
