Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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