Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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