Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
