They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
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