There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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