Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
