OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
