Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
