Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
