just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
