Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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