I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You took a bar mat shot.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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