Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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