The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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