So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
