Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
