I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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