I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
