I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
