And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
