he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
