My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
