someone owes me an orgasm
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
