Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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