just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
