there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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