Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
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i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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