Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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