all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
