Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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