I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
