I didn't shave. On purpose
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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