my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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