how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
