Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
