the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
