Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
