She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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