Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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