Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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