I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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