Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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