just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There r osticjed everywhere
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
