I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
