Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
