I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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