my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
