How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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