Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
